


Sometimes i feel like giving up

by gayerthanvause



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Acceptance, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-05
Updated: 2018-04-09
Packaged: 2019-04-18 15:26:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14216121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gayerthanvause/pseuds/gayerthanvause
Summary: When Ava is stunned with the revelation that she is a clone, she feels as if the walls are caving in.Since she isn't even real, should she even bother living?To make matters worse, Sara refuses to back down in her declaration of love, even in the midst of chaos.So Ava pushes her away, diving into work, until she gets herself into a situation where she finally decides that this is a life that's worth living.





	1. Prologue

Breathing is supposed to be easy.

It’s natural, instinctive. Inhaling oxygen is fundamental to survive. For humans to survive. 

Sometimes, Ava wonders if she’s even human. Rationally, she knows that clones are merely genetic identicals and of course she’s human, but she’s no longer being rational.

The rational side of her left when she essentially fired her mentor -- no, her buyer. All Ava can think of now is, What would happen if I stopped breathing? Would the lack of oxygen cause my brain to shut down or would a backup generator kick into function? Would Rip just go to 2213 and purchase another one to replace me? Would anyone even notice? Would she even notice?

When the Time Bureau became hers, Ava had promised herself that as Director Sharpe, she would keep her agents safe. Unlike Rip, she valued human life, which is ironic, to say the least. Originally, she had thought that she deserved this position, even under the unfortunate circumstances, because she had worked her way up to the top when no one believed that she could. Well -- everyone except Rip. He always knew that she was literally built for the job.

Every part of Ava’s personality was manufactured in order to make her the perfect, objective agent. What she can’t disconcert is why scientists would program her to be such an anxious, petty lesbian. It just doesn’t make sense that she is so utterly flawed and insecure.  
Ava thought that at this stage of her life, she should be done questioning herself. After realising that she was gay in the ninth grade -- no that wasn’t real. It brings to question if being a homosexual is ingrained into their DNA. Are all Ava’s gay or was she just a defective model? Was it already bigoted enough that the “perfect woman” was the epitome of Aryan ideals so the geneticists decided to throw in some sapphism to even it out?

And ultimately, she didn’t even know if the feelings that she had were real. Was she designed to fall in love with Sara Lance? Or was that just another flaw in her code?

Ava definitely wasn’t so fixated on drowning herself in work because of her altercation with Sara. Why would she be? There was no doubt in her mind that Sara was better off without her. Sara hadn’t even needed Ava to defeat Mallus. Sara deserved someone strong and confident and real to love, not a government clone.

Maybe the eleven clones that came before her reflected her future. Maybe Ava’s true purpose was to save the lives of real people who actually matter to the timeline. Maybe she can still make a difference by taking on the hazardous tasks that needed to be completed. Maybe she’s just being selfish by moping around, contemplating the validity of her memories instead of doing what she’s meant to do.

So when a mission required someone to dive deep into the treacherous Aegean Sea to find the displaced Pandora’s Box (which apparently was simply a Greek princess’ inheritance), she doesn’t hesitate to volunteer. There was no need to put agents on the case if she was perfectly capable of handling it herself. 

Three hours later, she may admit that she was at fault. Being stranded in an underwater cave would do that to you.


	2. Chapter One

In TV shows, they say that the first forty-eight hours that a person is missing are the most important. If you can’t find them after those first two days, their chances of survival exponentially decrease.

At the Time Bureau, you get six hours.

You only get six hours before the search teams initiate protocol and scour the anachronism map to find you. But six hours without communication in 2018 can be the equivalent of decades of surviving in Classical China or weeks of fear and paranoia during the French Reign of Terror.

Ava doesn’t know if she has six hours. Maybe she had six hours if she were in 2018, but in 633 B.C.E., she doesn’t know.

Shaking from the chilling waters, Ava surveys her surroundings. On the opposite side of the cave, crystalline structures were illuminated by her flashlight, beautiful in the calm of the dark ocean. The cave couldn’t be more than ten feet wide, although it stretched the span of an Olympic-sized swimming pool. Ava used to swim in high school, she was actually the state champion in breaststroke when --

That wasn’t real either. Abruptly, she wonders, How do I even know how to swim?

It must’ve been programmed into her, along with her fighting capabilities and bench press max.   
Ava squints in the dim light, searching for an opening or crevice in the rocks that she knows that she will not find. The boulder that she is on currently is her refuge from the ice cold water, keeping her from a painful death of drowning.

Sara almost drowned, she recalls suddenly. Her file said that she had almost drowned twice, first off of the Queen’s Gambit and again when the Amazo sank in the Pacific. Both times Sara was left for dead. Will I be left for dead too?

At this point, it wouldn’t be drowning that would kill her, but the lack of oxygen in this air bubble of a cavern.

Snapping out of her morbid thoughts, Ava takes off her oxygen tank, which had just less than a half hour’s worth of oxygen left, moving the virtually empty cylinder to the edge of the rock. Within moments she removes her face mask, goggles, fins, and pack. 

Next, she glances at her wrist to see if her time courier was still intact. There’s a reason why these are waterproof. The device was cracked and waterlogged, and didn’t respond to any of her frantic commands. 

The undercurrent that ripped her under had not only blinded her by displacing silt, but they managed to destroy futuristic technology as well. I’m kind of futuristic technology too, Ava thinks wryly.   
As she unzipped her pack, she notices how her hands are already slightly trembling from the cold. Carefully, she lays the contents of her pack out on the rough surface of the rock. 

A paracord rope, a first aid kit, a multipurpose knife, iodine, a canteen, some sopping wet Euros, a fake ID and scuba diving license. In retrospect, it was extremely irresponsible that she didn’t bring other agents with her -- she would’ve never allowed for her agents to take any mission alone, let alone a level eight.

Ava honestly has no clue how much oxygen the cave holds, let alone how long she’d last. There’s no way to cause an anachronism significant enough for the Bureau or Legends to detect while you’re literally stuck in a cave. 

Worst of all, she hadn’t even managed to accomplish her mission. Pandora’s Box was still nowhere to be found, so the myth will never be written. The ripple effects from this myth not being written would lead to the murder of the princess who owned it, who happened to be the daughter of a high ranking noble in Athens. Unnecessary wars were frowned upon by the Bureau, especially when they resulted in the complete destruction of one of the great wonders of the world -- the Acropolis. 

Ava still had time to fix the anachronism before it cements in history, but right now there are more pressing matters at hand. 

The long tunnel that she went through to get here had strong currents pushing into the cave, making it nearly impossible to swim out. Even if she was strong enough to fight the currents, she doesn’t have enough oxygen left to make it out. There’s always the possibility that she could try to use the oxygen that she had left and then hold her breath when it ran out, but realistically, she’d die during the ten minute swim.

Exhausted, Ava curls into herself, bringing her knees to her chest and wrapping her arms around them before resting her head. 

I’ve just got to wait it out until the Bureau finds me. It’s not like they won’t notice that their Director has gone missing.

She runs her hand through her still damp hair and secures it in a bun. When she pulls her hand back, her fingers were covered with blood. Ava presses her fingertips back onto her head, finally feeling the bump and scratch right above her temple. She must’ve gotten it when she was dragged by the currents into this damned cavern. 

No wonder my head is spinning.

Ava grabs the first aid kit and presses gauze to her wound, applying pressure. The bleeding slowed, but wasn’t stopping yet.

I wonder if sharks could come in here. 

Judging from the blood, if it doesn’t stop within the next hour or so, she would need stitches. It isn’t easy for one to stitch themselves up, especially when you can’t see the extent of the injury. Luckily, her Army background prepared her for situations like this. 

No, I was never in the Army. I was just programmed to know first aid so I could increase user productivity, she thought bitterly.

Finally, the gash started to sting as she regained feeling over her body. 

Her lips were already drying out from the saltwater, and she was getting thirsty. Iodine wasn’t going to desalinate the saltwater and she knows that a human can only make it about three days without water. 

It’d be fitting if I die alone, Ava thought. 

I was manufactured and I’ve pushed everyone away. Not that I was close to people anyways. All I have is my work, my colleagues, Rip and Gary. And I never had a choice if I wanted them in my life. The only person that I’ve chosen is Sara. 

Dully, she realised that her gash had clotted. Grabbing the disinfectant, Ava cleans and bandages the cut, trying to keep whatever bacteria are in the water from infecting her wound. 

Thankfully, her head has stopped spinning and Ava no longer feels like she’s going to throw up, so at least that’s an improvement. Bracing her hands on the coarse rock, she unsteadily wobbles to her feet. As she’s walking over to the cave’s wall, the temperature only decreases, the rugged wall covered in moisture. 

There has to be a way out of here.

But after searching every square inch of rock, it seems that Ava is wrong. There’s no way out of here unless she intends to drown. 

I’d better save my batteries, Ava thought, switching off her flashlight and huddling against the cave wall. 

An eternity seems to pass, although Ava knows that she’s probably being delusional. The director wants to sleep since she’s so exhausted, but she shouldn’t and she can’t anyways. Rest seems impossible and her breathing is becoming more and more labored.

A tear rolls down Ava’s face, frustration sinking in. After all she’s done, she’s going to die here, alone, in a cave?

Ava just hates feeling helpless. The whole point of being a clone is that she can help people and now she can’t even help herself. Again, a droplet hits her face and runs off of her cheek, wait -- she’s not even crying.

Startled, Ava turns on her flashlight, rushing to her feet. 

Am I already going crazy? 

Squinting above her, Ava scans ceiling of the cave. 

There!

About thirty feet above her, a small outcropping of rocks had shifted, creating a mini waterfall. And on that ledge was the damned artifact that brought her here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this took so long! I honestly spent a lot of time watching the clexacon panels on youtube and I hope that everyone there had an amazing time!
> 
> I'm so excited for the finale tonight and I pray to Beebo that we get an Avalance kiss with Ava's hair down!
> 
> I hope to update at least weekly, but we'll see what happens because of my schedule. The next chapter will be from Sara's POV, so keep tuned!
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and please comment below!

**Author's Note:**

> Okay guys, this is my first fic and to be completely honest, I only have a rough idea of where it's going. It's also unedited, but I just had the idea and wrote this in about an hour so. I'm a sophomore in high school and have virtually no time to write, so I apologise in advance for my irregular updates!
> 
> This was a very short intro but I obviously plan on having LOTS of angst, so buckle up.
> 
> The title is loosely based off of In My Blood lyrics by Shawn Mendes, but you should definitely listen to it!
> 
> Please, please, please let me know what you think so far and help motivate me to get my ass writing!


End file.
